Disturbing

No - i'm not talking about that totally effed-up loss to the Red Sox last night - though that was some disturbing shit. Did you see Papelbon's face at the bottom of the 9th? that guy is a total typical Boston relief-pitching fluke douchebag. 

But anyway - no - what's really disturbing is Mac's sister Amy telling him last week that her son Kenny's got a huge dick. So I was like, wtf? first of all - you and your sister talk about shit like that? and, second of all - are you kidding me? how old is he?

Um - he's 4-friggin-years-old!!!

Not only is he "huge" - like he's not fitting into his undies anymore - he's bigger than his dad! a.k.a. Mac's brother-in-law Dave. and i'm like - That is so effed up! How does Dave deal with that? How does he change Kenny's diaper looking down at that thing and knowing full when that his 4-year-old son has a whole inch on him, maybe more? how does that not totally ruin you, throw you into a mindfuck?

Great. I just found another reason to stay far away from fatherhood. 

Thank you diaper bomber dude

So you've all heard about this thing in the news - apparently this TSA official dude at Miami International got arrested last week. They were testing the new screeners - the ones where they can see straight thru your friggin clothes to make sure you're not hiding anything under your dick - or between your cheeks - wherever - and they were making fun of one of the TSA guys cause he had a small dick. and he went after the guy. assault. done.

All the papers got on it.
Then Perez Hilton got on it.
Then they made fun of it on saturday night live. It's a friggin phenomenon. People can't shut up about it.

So i wanna thank the diaper bomber dude - that guy that had those explosives laid into those big padded undies - because this started with him. it's cause of him that, in like ANY friggin minute now - we're gonna be going thru these creepy ass scanners.

The new reason to never fly again

So thanks, diaper dumbass - cause now - every time i go through one of these stupid ass scanners - i'm gonna be sweatin' cause i'm gonna assume theres some employee behind a computer who's laughing at my dick. some idiot in a uniform with a stupid grin on his face.

And you too Miami douche - for making a big deal out of nothing - for not having the friggin balls to just walk thru the stupid screener and just let guys be guys and swallow your pride and NUT UP. thanks to you - having a small dick is the new joke on late night. and the internet. and the Post. and everywhere else I look.

two steps forward, right?

Guys vs Girls

Guys aren't picky - guys are so friggin easy to please. Ever meet a guy - okay, a straight guy - who took like an hour to get dressed, or debated forever about getting a salad instead of a steak - or had a drunk ass screaming match with his best friend in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason at 2 in the friggin morning. 

Yea, this happened right outside Angela's dorm last night - two chicks just screaming their heads off about NOTHING. clearly wasted out of their minds. it was unreal.

So i'm lying there last night in bed thinking about how much easier guys are to get along with - how i have like thousands of guy friends - and then i have angela - and then i have like maybe ten other friends who are girls. i don't have the patience. i'm not into the drama. i've got like 0 tolerance for the drama.

torture for me is making me sit through an episode of the Real Housewives. whatever city. doesn't matter. they're all crazy dramatic wastes of space. GOD i hate those chicks. they should be put away for a year. with just each other. in like a cement hole. done.

The closest thing to a guy's problem with his dick size is a girl's issues with their boob size. i've known LOTS of girls who were insecure - who i've had to talk off the friggin ledge about it. who, like, complained that when they lay down, their boobs were so small that they actually went totally flat with the rest of their body. i was like - what? what the fuck are you talking about? i mean - not in those words - but huh??

I'm not saying nice round big boobs aren't fun - they are - and i've had some fun with some boobs - but GUYS ARENT PICKY. we aren't picky like girls can be picky. we aren't judgmental and nasty about boobs like girls can be nasty and judgmental about dicks. we would never turn a girl down cause she wasn't "well-endowed" boob-wise. we sure as fuck wouldn't laugh or whatever. what's to laugh at? the fact that they weren't porn star enough to get a boob job? boob jobs are fun too - but they're pretty whack and i totally get a girl wouldn't want implants in their friggin chest the same way guys don't want injections in their dick. you know, if she's lacking there, maybe we pay more attention to her ass or her legs or whatever - but we don't hate. we don't judge. we just don't. cause we're guys. we take what we get. we don't send food back. medium-well, medium rare, who gives a fuck. it's a steak. steaks are all different. and we're gonna eat it no matter what.

unless its one of those real housewives bitches. except for that girl Bethany who's like totally bangin (oh my god, dude, i can't wait to run into that chick in the street here and be like - Yo, you're friggin hawt) - those girls can eat themselves. seriously. cement hole. with rats and moldy bread. done and done.


oh - hey - footnote: this comedy group from the city that i dig did this funny thing about guys acting like girls. there's chicks in the group too but they're not in this video. check it out. its good shit.

FUNK

You know that phrase - "scream it from the rooftops" - that phrase always ticked me off. think about it. like if you actually screamed something from the top of a roof, chances are nobody would friggin hear you. guess it depends on how tall the building is. my guess is you'd probly just get a bunch of people yelling back up at you - "huh?" "whadya say?" "hey, get off my friggin roof!"

But i guess i had that feeling the last couple days. like i needed to scream some shit. blow out my voice and get pissed. Mac says ive been in a total funk. I told him he's been a total a-hole.

I guess what's been bothering me is this whole feeling that, like, people have problems. everybody's got problems. and by nature of who we are - like, society dictates and shit - we hide them. or avoid them. sometimes it's not even on purpose. like a chick who's afraid of heights and just stays away from high places. done. like some dude with a stutter who just talks as little as possible.

whatever. bad example.

but this chick came into my physics class this morning - i won't say who, but - she was crazy late this morning and couldnt miss the class cause we had like this pre-final - and so she didnt have time to take a shower, change, put on make-up, whatever - and she looked like a TOTALLY different person. no friggin kidding. this banging italian chick lost her bang entirely. she looked like snooki from jersey bore. couldn't believe it. and just cause she's spent every morning pouring make-up on herself to make sure no one saw what she actually looked like. but thats the problem - right - that we cover ourselves up. make-up. baggy clothes. jock and gym shorts. whatever it is.

but sometimes I wish I could just get that part of my life out of the way. i wish people could just know that about me right off the bat - that I have a small dick - and then they could get over it and get to all the better parts of me. but it's like, with every person I meet, it's just a waiting game until the minute that we're in the locker room together. or the sauna or the beach or the shower or the pool or whatever. probly, between girls and friends and teammates and trackmates, i'd say 150 people have seen my dick. 10 or 15 probly had a really good look at it. only a couple know it, like, intimately.

so ... fucking great. that leaves like 7 billion people who haven't. 7 billion people. the weight of the world is like literally on my shoulders. 7 billion people who i wish i could get on a telecast and show my dick to. what a giant relief that would be.

You know like last year or whenever - when that partridge family danny bonaduce dude showed his dick? people were like, OMG - he's so small! - how could he do that??? easy. he could do it real easy. cause now that secret is over. that part of his life is out in the open. and now people can get past it. and anybody who has a problem with it can move the fuck on.

anyway, i'm bringing this discovery to the meeting tonight. right after i google staten island nudist colonies.

"A quality"

Angela's friend Holly was over last night - they were doing girly shit - making couscous - whatever that is. And Holly was talking about her social media professor (talk about a bullshit class, yo) who she wants to bang and talking about how she absolutely knows that he has a big dick. i had to chime in. i'm like,

"Holly - you're so friggin full of it - how the hell do you know he has a big dick."
"I can see it" - she says.
"That's the crease in his pants" - i say - "hate to disappoint you."
"It's like a quality" - she goes - "he just has a big dick quality. like you look at him and i'm like - that guy's got a big dick."

The only quality Holly should be worried about is the fact that she's a friggin freak. i'm worried about Angela hanging out with girls like that. She looks at guys and pictures big dicks. I don't think that means the guy has a big dick. i think she's got high expectations and that she's horny as hell. that's what i think.

If anyone can tell if a guy has a small dick its other guys. Like i've always known for damn sure that the baldwin brothers got small dicks. the whole friggin clan of em. Alec. Stephen. Daniel. The other one. All four of em got tiny cocks. We Baldwins stick together like that. And it's not friggin "quality." it's Irish blood, baby.

W4W and other goodies

Long time ago this guy emailed me on my got-a-small-dick account (info@rickigotasmalldick.com) - told me he was a big fan of the blog - kinda got a kinky gay vibe from him. Like he's totally reading my blog cause he gets to read about a guy talking about his dick. even if it is 2.2 friggin inches long.

Then I knew he was gay when he was like - "you would totally do well on the men seeking men section on craigslist. they got guys on there all the time looking for dudes with small dicks."

And turns out the guy wasnt friggin kidding. i assumed he was full of shit. but no - i went on there as soon as he sent me that email and saw shitloads of posts of guys looking for guys with 2, 3 inch dicks. they'd say things like "a dick i can handle" or "no black guys please - you guys are too big." it was like stumbling into this underworld - an underworld that was completely fucking useless to me cause its guys looking for guys - but still. hopeful. sorta. 

Anyway - these days when i'm bored out of my mind i go on craigslist and see if theres any girls looking for guys with small dicks. it's hard to find. sometimes. SOMEtimes. probably because girls are prudes. 

there's the 4 sections, you know - W4M, M4W, W4W and M4M. and i love to look at the first post in each section and compare it to the other sections. like for instance - i just went on there - like a minute ago - and pulled the very top post in each section. here's the breakdown:  

women seeking men
O Edward, Edward, wherefore art thou Edward? - 18 - pic


men seeking women
Gang Gang Dance tonight with pervy guy - 33 - pic


women seeking women
Now Lets Get NASTY <3 - 22 - (queens)


men seeking men
Wanna BANG A HOT ITALIAN ASS? - 44 - (downtown) pic

You gotta love that all of these are friggin horny ass people looking to get laid - EXCEPT for the women seeking men. Those poor friggin girls - looking for some secret twilight hunk somewhere out in the craigslist world - like their last friggin hope. its sad is what it is. and kinda sweet. but really sad.

Gotta love the lesbos tho. seriously.

here's mine by the way -

men seeking women

don't mind small dicks? don't mind if I do! - 22 - (staten island)

watch a Mets game OR beat your head against a friggin wall for 7 HOURS

Yea. 7 hours. How long it took the Mets to close last night against the stinkin Cardinals. And how long it took to confirm the fact that i hate the friggin Mets. 

The score was 0-0 for 18 innings -- uhh, yea -- holy shit. Both teams pulled a run out in the 19th. And then the Mets scored another in the 20th for the win. The only reason they did was cause the stupid friggin Cardinals decided to swap pitchers in the 18th and put in center fielder/third baseman/swingman/complete and utter waste of space Joe Mather -- who (by the way) hasn't pitched a ball game since sophomore year of high school. 

WOW.

And this is why i hate the friggin Mets. cause they can only pull ahead in the 20th when the opposing team brings out a high school pitcher. 

Oh -- and for those of you who are like -- Oh, but it was so exciting -- "What great pitching!" Are you fucking kidding me??? Great pitching from all 19 pitchers who got swapped in and out for 7 hours? 

No. No-no-no. Not good pitching. Crappy hitting. Across the board. 

IN OTHER NEWS

Check out this friggin ride:

Any guy with a car that small, with friggin racing stripes down the spoiler and in BRIGHT GREEN -- any guy with a car like that is totally comfortable with his sexuality. It's like the exact opposite of the hummer phenomenon. This guy's got a giant dick. Or a hot girlfriend who doesnt give a shit how big a dick he's got. cause he's got enough money to buy an $90,000 ride (starting cost, bitches).

good for you, dude. 

Why

This assclown jock that i see at the rec center all the time likes to rag on me about the blog -- heard about it thru someone i guess. I mean, i don't hide it or whatever, but i don't put signs up about it around campus for chrissake. my feeling is, if you need the help, you'll find it, you know.

But anyway this douchebag Jordan likes to give me shit. He thinks its like this total friggin joke. Like why would i waste the time doing this. ain't i got better things to do??

No, Jordan -- i guess i don't. 

First thing I ever wanted to do was write sports -- didn't want to be on tv -- never had the nerves for it -- but i wanted to cover every friggin game. i mean, shit, i watched all of them. i might as well write about them. i knew the players like they were my best buds. and i knew their histories, their strengths, their weaknesses. i could tell when they were having a bad day. its like a gift. 

But came to find out that i wouldn't be spending days with the guys if i went down that road. Some days, yeah. And like fundraisers and shit. But not on a daily basis. i wouldn't be in the middle of it. getting to know them personally. getting to know them as more than just numbers. that's when i made the switch to sports med. took me like a year to get there, but here i am -- and a lot friggin happier cause of it. life's funny that way i guess.

Better believe if i wasn't effin 5'7" i'd be down there on the court right beside em. if i could actually take a hit, i'd be on the rink, no questions asked. but i wasn't built that way. 

and i guess i wasn't made to do this, either -- wasn't born to be a famous sports writer. ah well. no worries. i hate fucking capitalization. 

Thank you, Maxim

So Alice Eve from She's Out of My League is the hottie on the Maxim cover this week -- uhhhhhh, yea -- she's totally out of all of our combined leagues. she's ridiculous. it took me like a week to get past the cover. 

OUCH.

Anyway, check this out -- maxim did this whole sex interview thing with women. and in one part they asked them to rate these man qualities from 1 to 5 -- 1 like not important and 5 like really important -- and GET THIS -- the majority said:

Penis size? 2  <--- out of 5! check that shit out (5.4% said not at all - i friggin love that 5.4%)
Stamina? 4  <--- easy
Kissing technique? 4  <--- easy
Sense of humor? 5  <--- yes! easy! (and 57.6% too!)


So i was on a high until they got the "how big is too big" question later and 35.2% of them said 9 inches. only 3.9% said 7 inches. 7 was the smallest option on the quiz, which is totally effed up.

come on, ladies. let's be honest. you don't need all those inches.

Another question i dug was the "what man sounds during intercourse are a major turnoff" question. 77.8% said crying. (HAHA -- stop crying when you're having intercourse, Mac -- it's a friggin turnoff). and sad to know that 84.8% of chicks don't have a "signature sex move." i honestly think everybody should have a signature sex move. mine is called the bench warmer.

(for another time)

Tiger

I'm gonna have to just say a word and stick up for my boy tiger here -- cause all this masters coverage is just irritating the shit outta me. these people are friggin relentless.

Coach comes out to practice this morning practically waving his friggin homespun mickelson flag, talking about how happy he is that tiger didnt win, that he needed to learn a lesson, that mickelson's a family guy -- he's like fighting cancer at home with his wife -- and look, i get it. and for fuck's sake, i'm not gonna say anything to coach cause the guys a friggin loose canon.

it just pisses me off that people get so high and mighty about stuff like this. tiger fucked up. plain and simple. and he'll probably fuck up again. because it's hard to stop and drop shit like that. cold turkey. he's just a guy. he happens to be a good friggin athlete. he happens to be a masters winner and a triple crown winner. but he's a dude. like me. like coach. he's not that special. i work with athletes all the friggin time. they are constantly fighting with identity issues -- cause 99% of the time they're just dudes coming off the court, off the field, sweating and dirty and broken and ugly and losers -- and the other 1% when they accomplish something crazy (like a triple crown) -- then they're friggin heroes. american legends.

fuck that. they're people. done.

And yea - Tiger's wife is like ridiculously hot. and Swedish.

but guys are also guys and the guys who travel nonstop are guys who tend to fall off the wagon and guys who are celebrities AND travel nonstop (see ATHLETES) are guys who fall off the wagon cause they have women throwing themselves at them nonstop. so yea - maybe he didn't "deserve" to win this one, coach, who the fuck knows - but maybe he lost too because he's outta practice. cause he needed 5 minutes to stop hittin balls and pull his friggin life together.

we've all got our demons. theyre ugly sons of bitches. but we live with them.

Yankees pull out another win

2-1 against the Sox. 2-1 against Tampa Bay. 4-2 record over these first six games. I'm friggin' thrilled.

Ruined Women

My buddy mark was complaining to me yesterday - we went to Legends on Victory to watch that totally depressing yankees/tampa bay game - yea, nice work guys - and anyway, Mark's got this new girl Marie. Mark and Marie. Marie and Mark. like they should have their own talk show for chrissake.

And Mark is talking nonstop about his "ruined woman." and me and mac and joey - we're like "uh, like she was molested as a kid?" "like she was burned in a fire or some shit?" and he's like - "no, idiots, her last boyfriend had this HUGE dick."

This is true. we all actually knew about it but we played dumb for mark's sake. like her last boyfriend -- whatever his name was -- we'll call him Giant Dick -- Giant Dick was stuffed. he wasn't even a show-off about it. i mean, he was kind of a prick, but not about that. still you could see it in his pants. baggy pants. jeans. didn't matter. the thing had a personality. a zip code. it was like the truman show - like the whole world potentially revolved around his cock. sit across from him on the bus -- you'll totally regret it. you'll just end up staring at this hefty bulge in his pants. without even meaning to. christ. 

so now Mark hooks up with Marie who's like a 9 and they meet up at the special collections section at the CSI library -- ancient greek language or some shit -- and she just stops. she's got this totally confused look on her face, like she just found a new friggin species -- and she's like, Are you kinda small???

she's doesn't TELL him he's small -- she friggin ASKS him IF he's small. mind-blowing. 

so turns out Marie's only been with Giant Dick. his is the only dick she's ever seen. for four years. poor girl. ruined for life. poor ruined marie. 

The BEST part - Mark pulls her back into it - Marie stops asking questions - eventually blows him - and then THANKS him. says - i quote - "it was just so much easier to handle." 

so i guess everybody wins. mark gets a blow job. marie's no longer ruined. and Giant Dick still has a giant dick. it's like a friggin fairy tale. 

The scariest thing i've seen this month

Wikipedia kills me - seriously, these guys cover everything - and today's discovery: an article on human penis size.

Warning: this shit's hella graphic. Like HELLA graphic.

There's pictures -- hard and soft -- charts and graphs and directions on how to measure your dick in every friggin way possible and studies and data and the HISTORY of dick size and a breakdown on how women get off based on the size of your dick. It's like the go-to article for anybody who ever wanted to know anything about guys and size and LifeStyle condoms Cancun experiment on circumference. WTF?!? How the fuck did i not find this sooner??

The highlight's the micropenis breakdown at the bottom - with the link to the micropenis page - YES, micropenises have their own friggin section in wikipedia.

"An adult penis with an erect length of less than 7 cm or just over 2 inches but otherwise formed normally is referred to in a medical context as having the micropenis condition. The condition affects 0.6% men."

0.6% of men?? That's like less than 1 guy for every 100. Christ. And I was totally feelin' pretty good about myself this week too - and then this shit. .6%. 

2 inches forward, 3 inches back.

Yankees Take Series, 2-1, Sox still suck

Yankees 1-1

The boys made it even last night, Yanks 6 - Sox 4, still on their territory. One more game tonight at Fenway -- let's hope we can keep up the momentum tonight.

And Hathaway's hot, too

The other week Kevin said i was clairvoyant - and i was like Oh - gee - thanks father - and i'm thinking it means ive got avoidance issues, you know, and in my head I'm like, How many friggin blogs about his dong does a guy need to keep to prove that he's not avoiding the problem, right?

Stupid me, turns out it means i can see things that other people can't. not like ESP and shit. like perspective. 

So this morning i tell the guys at MT that i forced myself to sit thru that devil wears prada movie cause Anne Hathaway is friggin hot, and again they give me shit for it! and the conversation pretty much goes like this:

me: Anne Hathaway is so friggin hot.

mac: no she's not. you're blind dude. what is it with you and nerdy chicks?

me: shut up, i'm clairvoyant. 

mac: shut up, you're gay.

that's pretty much the gist. 

But you know what - that's fine - i'm totally content to keep hathaway on my clairvoyant list of hotties - my very own list - so one day when me and mac are walking down the street and we see Anne Hathaway coming out of a movie shoot or whatever - I can walk up to her and be like, Hey, Anne, I think you're totally bangin and my friend Mac here doesn't think so - sooooo wanna get a drink? BAM. i'm havin a drink with anne hathaway, dumbass! suck on that. 

good, bad & ugly

GOOD

I had the bad and ugly parts of this post all ready to go - i had to hunt down something good to say. that's so friggin messed up.

And then i remembered - DUH - my middle bro James is getting married!! which is kinda crazy cause he's the brother that - when you like line us up together - or when people see us on a christmas card - they're like, James is totally getting married last.

He's been datin this girl Steph for like 6 months and out of the blue pops the question on Easter - didnt talk to my parents about it - didnt talk to her parents about it - just spur of the moment and shit. go jamers! balls to the friggin wall, dude.

Jamers is gonna kill me for writing this - but stephanie is like way to hot for him. like jessica simpson hot. like EONS too hot for him. it's like a peacock marrying a pigeon covered in its own shit. so if you ask me, it's not like jamers was just so in love that he HAD to ask her - its not like he was so friggin overcome with joy that he magically transformed into the marrying type - i think he just wanted to nail her down before she realized this gross friggin error she'd made. or before she got corrective lenses.

BAD

i cannot believe the Yankees friggin lost last night. my buddy Wes and I were at this bar by CSI and we were totally flirtin with this hot greek waitress - and she was a huge Yankee fan - and then out of NOWHERE the sox pull ahead. and its one of those Oh shit moments when you know all hope is completely lost - the boys just lost their steam - they got cocky or whatever - and they blew it. a 5-0 lead and then they lose it. 7-9. UGH. totally sets the wrong tone for the rest of the season.

UGLY

Wes was so friggin drunk-pissed after the game last night - he wanted to go to the porno shop down the street and get something to watch when he got home - something to cheer him up.

Being in there was a nightmare. it wasn't just videos - it was like a video shop that decided to expand and cater to all clientele or whatever the fuck. there were like 4 glass displays of dildos. huge friggin scary ass dildos. ribbed dildos. dildos with ticklers. frightening shit. and all of them a good 8 inches thick.

and no - it's not the first time i've said it - but this is WHYYYY women think guys are supposed to be ginormous.

my first real high school girlfriend - lindsey - and we never had sex but we dry humped like daily - anyway, she had this giant vibrator. it was a gift from her friend. it was a friggin birthday gift. HUGE. and this could very possibly be why i never had sex with her. b/c i was intimated by this ginormous fake cock in that shoebox in the closet. my competition.

what truly killed me was the pink girly tissue paper she used to wrap her giant pleasure rod. the kind of pink tissue paper you'd only attribute to a six-year-old girl. used to disguise a monster friggin vibrator. thats some twisted shit.

Diseased

So Joseph walks into the meeting last night with his panties in a twist - he's waving his precious New York Times around - it's all rolled up and wrinkled like he's been carrying it around all day, showing it to every john and jane and dick clark he sees on the street. And what's it say? That there's a disease you can have cause you feel shitty about yourself. That its - like - clinical. 4 out of 5 doctors and shit.

Enter Joseph's effed up psyche.

I swear, some people are born with this skill - to get kooky about every little thing. Other people have this totally unique talent where they can put themself down about every little thing. Joseph is like that 1 in a million person who has both. and thats what makes joseph both a riot and a giant pain in the ass.

Anyway i tried to find this article online this mornin and i couldnt. Joseph probly gets the total downer version of the times special-made for him. it's three words with a lot of syllables. ends in -osis.

Long story short, it's not just how you think. it's not just about changing your way of thinking. you may very well have this CONDITION (joseph kept shouting CONDITION last night like he was gonna win a prize CONDITION) - so anyway we may very well have this - uh - CONDITION where you might wanna kill yourself cause you don't feel so hot about yourself. weight. looks. relationships. cock size. whatever your thing might be.

But you know what - and this is what i told joseph at our meeting last night to no friggin avail - there are 2 ways to look at this - like there are 2 ways to look at everything.

Joseph's sucky way to look at it: "oh, great, now i'm diseased. it's official."

My infinitely better way to look at it: "1. guys like us aren't alone - there are hundreds of thousands of people who feel like they're not good enough. 2. so we're in good company. 3. it's friggin legit, feeling like shit. 4. my bro wasn't just some nutjob who tried to stuff too many pills down his throat - he's got a CONDITION. it's his CONDITION that drove him to do that. and he got help for it. strike that. he's getting help for it. 5. some girls totally get off on the fact that you have a CONDITION. you know. the bleeding heart girls. the sympathy babes. the motherly types.

if my CONDITION was a chick, i'd totally make out with her right now.

WTF, Wednesday Edition

WTF, new york. W-T-F.

Do we really have to live with these ads on every phone-friggin-booth and bus bench in the city?! i caught this one when i was walking my cuz around times square - cause of course she had to walk thru the busiest loudest most annoying part of the city on a sunday afternoon DURING THE MICHIGAN STATE GAME - ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?! and of course when she saw this she had to stop to take a picture - cause word is they dont have guys bulging thru their briefs on bus benches in milville, nj.

Thanks for the self-esteem boost, 2xist dudes.

---

Movin' on to something better:

OK, she's like a gift from god. IRON MAN 2 is now officially my favorite movie of 2010 - and no, i haven't seen it - and no, that doesn't matter. 

---

New panty dropper: appreciating girly animals

This girl kelly on campus totally just asked me out cause i spent approx 30 seconds saying whats up to this little girly dog she was walking around. The dog runs up to me - and she apologies - and i'm like - Naw, it's cool, i love dogs and shit - he's cute - and she's friggin' adorable - and she just had this giant grin on her face. ri-dick-ulous. 30 seconds playing with a dog for an hour of playing with his owner - BAM. 

Start likin' dogs, fools.

---

Next michigan state game's at 6PM on saturday. i will be drunk. tournament-style.

Tina Fey is Hot

Why i had to explain this to every guy on my team after our practice run this morning is friggin beyond me. "she wears glasses, BRO!" uhhh, she plays a nerdy woman on TV, idiots! it's called a costume!!

She's hot - she's a 9 - if you saw her at a bar, you would abso-friggin-lutely try to pick her up - and you wouldn't even close cause shed want nothing to do with you idiots - end of story. AND she looks like the nice girl type whos actually dirty. just sayin.

Condomania Relieves the Pressure, So To Speak

I've never bought anything off the Condomania website - you could say Angela's not too big in the "toys" department - no vibrating rings or gerbils or whatever they call those things - but i have no trouble buying this new research study they put up on their website. I guess when you run a condom company, one day you wake up and you think, "Hey, i'm gonna pull together a bunch of data on dicks and post it on my website." ta-da.

So for all the 2 guys maybe who are reading this blog from Wyoming - I guess you'd be Wyomingans? - you are totally and completely off the hook, i shit you not. NO need to blame your dad. NO need to blame your ancestors. NO, you didn't jerk it too much in middle school and NO, that's not why your dick is so small. Apparently its because you're from friggin' wyoming. go figure.

Condomania has this whole goddamn list, ranking all 50 states on average penis size for guys. how they got these numbers? good question. i guess there's a whole bunch of guys out there - uh, 27 thousand of them - who like to buy their condoms custom-made. and being a guy who has a dick and has a whole blog dedicated to my dick, this is news even to me.

i'm sorry - what? you need your condoms to fit you so perfectly that you called a 1-800 number and had them measure your dick width and length and girth and shit so they could make you personalized tight-fittin condoms? really?? do you they come with your picture on them??? christ! guys who love themselves that much might wanna stick with masturbation.

ANYWAY, they also did a top 20 "big" cities list - and new york city somehow managed to squeeze into the top 5 there - i have NO idea how. except - wait - these aren't random results. these are like volunteered results. these are the results from guys who offered to get their dicks measured for the sheer purpose of pleasuring themselves while they're pleasuring others. somehow i don't see guys with tiny dicks lining up on the street to do this - just a thought.

Boston is 15 out of 20 - and that makes sense - irish capital of the world - but the most awesome part of the study is that #20 out of 20 is - dum dum dum - DALLAS, texas. they say everything in texas is bigger. sounds like things are actually smaller than they appear.

Babe Sighting

...at the Richmond Ave RiteAid - toothbrush aisle.

Jeeeeesus.

And let me just use this post to share something i got off CNN dot com today - something that may be extra interesting to any ladies who may be reading this blog - for whatever reason - and that something is this:

"...testosterone drives the "Man Trance" - that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts. ... I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates." <---- uhh - yea - mateS - plural! 

And some more:

"Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods. To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later, while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken for dinner. He asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV."

Damn straight - you can't fight science! Its like if we got mad every time you cried - or wanted to talk - or wanted to cuddle - or bought a friggin pair of shoes!!!!

I can't speak for the gay guys out there, but scientifically - since the earliest caveman days - men have done what they're supposed to do - eye women. And take it from this particular male that it ain't a choice - it really is innate. Mom says minutes after I was born, I had three of the nurses' numbers in the delivery room - bam! - a man is born. Mazel-friggin-tov.

So ladies - take a cue from C-N-N and listen up when your men say that they "wasn't looking at anything" - because believe it or not - that's our nice way of saying, Look, we're over it - girl's gone - Man Trance complete - moment's over - onward and upward. Back to you.

MWSP Meeting Review

OK - before Andrew bites my friggin head off - let me just clarify from my last post that he and Jess did leave halfway through the Penis Puppetry show - right around the time that Andrew started to question the size of his own dick. HA. eat me.

Alright, so I mentioned it before and I'll probly say it again that I go to this support group every wednesday for men with small penises (MWSP). And no, idiots, its not like fight club where everyone's effed up and crazy and we don't picture ourselves like penguins slidin down caves and shit. Its actually at this church - Saint Sebastians in brooklyn heights and - yea its a bitch gettin over there - but its totally worth it.

The usual crew was there last night plus - oh man - i guess this chick got her meetings messed up and she shows up thinkin its a group for women who are married to guys who have small dicks - and Stephen was like "Uhhhhh - clearly not!"

Father Kevin tried to convince her to stay - and I was totally up for it. But then i got really pissed off - i mean, like, think about it - that there's this underground meeting of these chicks who get together and bitch about their husbands dicks. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? i know theres a support group for friggin everything - specially in this city - but how friggin cruel is that! and what the hell do they talk about?

"Hi - i'm susie - and i still haven't got off yet."
"Hi - i'm jane - and i'm still treating my husband like crap."
"Hi - i'm mary - and i like to complain about THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!!! so glad i came!!!"

We tried to talk about it after this chick left but Kevin keeps us on track and doesn't really let us go off like we want to. it's not really what the groups about, i guess. but the whole time i'm just thinking about angela and if she'd ever heard of that group ... thought about that group ... christ, maybe even been to that group. it made me sick just thinkin about it.

gotta go to MT. l8r.

Puppetry of the Penis

Put these guys in that long list of things you coulda sworn were gone forever but really won't die. Like that Blue Man Group thing, the Penis Puppetry phenomenon is apparently not going anywhere.

I heard about the show a while ago when my buddy Andrew's girlfriend dragged him to the show and he got totally freaked out because she wouldn't tell him what they were going to see and there he was thinking he was going to see some cheesy musical or something - but then he's suddenly thrust into this world of thrusting dicks with multiple personalities.

There's nothing homosexual about the fact that I went. I went for research. Cause guys should know that there are these dudes out there in the world who have these dicks that can bend forwards and backwards and jump rope and that these guys actually make money off of it. Like serious money.

Last crew to start doing it are these young guys - Chris and Rich - guys my age, it looks like, and one of them thanks his mom and his wife in his bio or whatever. I think my mom and Angela would gladly cut off my balls before I did something like that.

So out of the blue I read that they're still going at it or whatever - like they've got this full-on website - and they do tours - Rich and Chris are in Los Angeles - and they've got fans - and they're holding AUDITIONS! American Idol. With dicks. WTF?! It says all you have to do is send in a picture of yourself (not your dick, thank god for small favors) and tell them why you've got a dick that can transform before your eyes. At first I was like - Who would want to do something like that? Every night of the week? But then I thought about that old line - "If you can't beat em, join em" right??

So without talking to angela (or my mom) I decided I'm gonna send in my pic. And I've got this so far for my letter to them:

"Hey, my name is Rick, and as a guy with a small dick, I've always been more 'interested' in penises than the next straight guy. I thought maybe you'd be interested in having a "small guy" in your cast to change things up a bit. And a small guy too who isn't shy about being small.

I've seen the show, and I know some of the puppets you guys do - like the hamburger and the Eiffel tower and the Loch Ness Monster. I can't do any of those. I'm kinda new to the whole puppeting my penis thing. But i did skip my run this morning and spent an extra hour in the shower and worked out a few new ones -

• the terrified turtle
• the pig in a blanket
• the old man
• the snake resting on two small rocks

Anyway, hit me up at info@rickigotasmalldick.com (yea, its a real website) and let me know what you think.

l8r

rick"

Warren Jacques goes to Curtis Senior

Heard this morning that the Warren Jacques Award went to this kid Jon Annan at Curtis. My bud Randy got the award when we were at Wagner High four years ago, playing for the Falcons - I was so friggin pissed at first - but whatever - he's probly gonna go pro now so it totally makes sense.

But anyway, I saw this kid Annan play back in December and he's pretty good. Check him out.

Good Dick

My cinema studies roommate Jeff just got this movie off Netflix called Good Dick. Yea. "Good Dick." Swear to god it's not porn - but it's about a girl who's obsessed with porn or something - anyway I looked it up:

"Habitually isolated in her quiet apartment, a vulnerable girl (Marianna Palka) with a penchant for soft-core porn ventures out to a local video store, where she meets a store clerk (Jason Ritter) who vows to break down her emotional walls and win her affections. But as he pursues her in bizarre fashion, it's clear that their budding relationship will be anything but conventional."

Okay, just a couple things wrong here:

1. WTF? a movie called "Good Dick" is about a woman???
2. nowhere in the description does it talk about "dick" - unless of course this Marianna girl has a penis, which would absolutely make their relationship "anything but conventional" - and would probably make this a porno.

I rent a movie called Good Dick, and I'd probly expect a documentary about a guy going around, asking girls what they consider a "good dick." Size, naturally. Thickness. Color. Special skills.

(There's this guy on my b-ball team who says he can lift a five pound weight with it - which we all thought was complete and utter bullshit - but then - whatever - it wasn't.) Get the whole spectrum of opinions, you know.

I may have to make this movie - like a campus project. Extra credit. Then finally we'd know what girls really think about the size of their guys and not from some Cosmo quiz results but from their own mouths.

"Good Dick." A new documentary about dick - directed by Rick Baldwin - starring Rick Baldwin and 300 women.

Think CUNY would want to produce??