Orgasmic Relief

OK - so one of my summer assignments from my mentor - this guy Howard who runs the athletic health department - is to go online and read all the Health sections on all the major news websites. and i'm totally about it. it's pretty much what i do anyway - except usually i get sidetracked reading about jennifer aniston's new boob job or whatever.

So this weekend i'm looking around and i see this article on the "joy of comfort sex" (which - according to this dude - is some kind of scripted sex where you plan it out beforehand cause you know the shit works and you both wanna get off together - NEWS to me). so i'm skimming this shit and stumble on this - which i just HAD to post:

"First off, consider that many women don’t even experience orgasm the first few times they have sex with a guy, which some evolutionary anthropologists conjecture is like a built-in vetting mechanism: Because the female orgasm takes time to achieve, its mastery requires dedication and patience, an extended “getting to know you” process that encourages a woman to seek out relationships with the partner who will ultimately invest adequate time and energy in the effort to familiarize himself with her unique sexuality.

As Emily Nagoski writes in the Good in Bed Guide to Female Orgasms, 'A woman is less likely to have orgasms early in a relationship. Her body needs time to adapt to the new partner, to learn to trust him or her, and to relax into the knowledge that her partner accepts and appreciates her body.

[yo - required reading]

Why they don't teach this shit in grade school - i'll never understand. men should know this. men should have this drilled into their skulls. men should know not to expect that it's gonna happen on the first try. for god sakes - WOMEN shouldn't expect that either. it's not always our fault, ladies. you got vettin' to do.

other thing - about the "appreciates her body" business - that's ridiculous. can i just say - me having sex with someone ... you can pretty much assume that i appreciate her body. that's kind of a given. unless we're drunk - in which case - we'll just "relax into the knowledge" that we're fucking trashed and lookin' to get laid. fair enough?

p.s. Emily Nagoski - thanks for spreading the good word. 


where i've been and what i missed

Okay - so i guess i've gotta go back like 13, 14 months. So 14 months ago is May, June, and I'm in the middle of finals and it's like a friggin whirlwind of exams and term papers and this shit and that shit. it's like the worst two weeks of your life.

So mom gets my grades halfway through the summer - or actually my mom gets the grades and I debate on whether or not i should even bother to give them to her, like maybe she'll forget or something - but of course she asks me about it like the next day. she's got like esp, i swear.

Anyway, she gets the grades and FLIPS THE F OUT over not an F but a D. (note: i've never gotten a D on anything, ever, so, yeah.) and i'm like, Mom, what the hell? it's not like it's in health or athletics or anything i give even a remote crap about. no, it's in - i even forget exactly what the class is - like media's affect on society. i D it because (a) i'm missed 9 classes, when apparently 8 is the only acceptable number of missed classes, and (b) the term paper was late, which is legit. the paper was awesome, by the way, but he refuses to read it. i shove it in this dude's face not even 12 hours after it was due and he's like "no thank you."

No, thank YOU professor for the biggest fucking waste of time and money imaginable. i won't be retaking your class next year. chew on that.

Long story short, mom's like "blog or support group?" i'm like "blog or support group WHAT??" and she's like "pick one, cause you're not doing both this year." if you know me at all - like Mac will tell you - the decision took me like 3 seconds. i aint giving up support group, no matter how annoying joseph is (my sweet jesus, that guy can go on about the goddamn weather. it's like - joseph, it's hot, it's SUMMER. chill the fuck out.) or how aggressive stevie's been getting lately or any of the other elements of it that are on my shit list. it keeps me normal. and you know i don't use that word, like, ever. it keeps me alive.

So we fast forward to TODAY - to this morning - when the grades are published online - when my mom puts on this serious as shit face and sits at the computer and pulls up the website - and it's straight fucking As. which was her ultimatum. i had to get straight As to get back "privileges."

unchain me, mom. i'm free. ATTICA!


(and can i just remind you how much i love that goddamn movie - and if you haven't seen it, you should be imprisoned)

What a great year and 2 months to miss too, right? the least of which being that asian dude's dick's cameo in Hangover2, which was kinda funny. So much more i can't even count. i might do a 2010-2011 wrap-up, but don't fucking count on it. it's summer. i'm poolside.

[nyc public pools by borough - don't try to find me idiots]

Got here just in time for Jeter's 3000, though. don't have much to say about that though. these announcers drag this shit out for so long - you know it's coming - why can't we just let it happen and be done with it. anyway, here's a bunch of semi-useless reactions to it, including one from jay-z. i'm just glad it happened against the Rays. they can chew on it, too.

alright, i got more coming. including what you sick mofos are searching on google that bring you to my site. what the hell is wrong with you? you need professional help.

see you poolside,



No - i'm not talking about that totally effed-up loss to the Red Sox last night - though that was some disturbing shit. Did you see Papelbon's face at the bottom of the 9th? that guy is a total typical Boston relief-pitching fluke douchebag. 

But anyway - no - what's really disturbing is Mac's sister Amy telling him last week that her son Kenny's got a huge dick. So I was like, wtf? first of all - you and your sister talk about shit like that? and, second of all - are you kidding me? how old is he?

Um - he's 4-friggin-years-old!!!

Not only is he "huge" - like he's not fitting into his undies anymore - he's bigger than his dad! a.k.a. Mac's brother-in-law Dave. and i'm like - That is so effed up! How does Dave deal with that? How does he change Kenny's diaper looking down at that thing and knowing full when that his 4-year-old son has a whole inch on him, maybe more? how does that not totally ruin you, throw you into a mindfuck?

Great. I just found another reason to stay far away from fatherhood. 


Thank you diaper bomber dude

So you've all heard about this thing in the news - apparently this TSA official dude at Miami International got arrested last week. They were testing the new screeners - the ones where they can see straight thru your friggin clothes to make sure you're not hiding anything under your dick - or between your cheeks - wherever - and they were making fun of one of the TSA guys cause he had a small dick. and he went after the guy. assault. done.

All the papers got on it.
Then Perez Hilton got on it.
Then they made fun of it on saturday night live. It's a friggin phenomenon. People can't shut up about it.

So i wanna thank the diaper bomber dude - that guy that had those explosives laid into those big padded undies - because this started with him. it's cause of him that, in like ANY friggin minute now - we're gonna be going thru these creepy ass scanners.

The new reason to never fly again

So thanks, diaper dumbass - cause now - every time i go through one of these stupid ass scanners - i'm gonna be sweatin' cause i'm gonna assume theres some employee behind a computer who's laughing at my dick. some idiot in a uniform with a stupid grin on his face.

And you too Miami douche - for making a big deal out of nothing - for not having the friggin balls to just walk thru the stupid screener and just let guys be guys and swallow your pride and NUT UP. thanks to you - having a small dick is the new joke on late night. and the internet. and the Post. and everywhere else I look.

two steps forward, right?


Guys vs Girls

Guys aren't picky - guys are so friggin easy to please. Ever meet a guy - okay, a straight guy - who took like an hour to get dressed, or debated forever about getting a salad instead of a steak - or had a drunk ass screaming match with his best friend in the middle of the street for absolutely no reason at 2 in the friggin morning. 

Yea, this happened right outside Angela's dorm last night - two chicks just screaming their heads off about NOTHING. clearly wasted out of their minds. it was unreal.

So i'm lying there last night in bed thinking about how much easier guys are to get along with - how i have like thousands of guy friends - and then i have angela - and then i have like maybe ten other friends who are girls. i don't have the patience. i'm not into the drama. i've got like 0 tolerance for the drama.

torture for me is making me sit through an episode of the Real Housewives. whatever city. doesn't matter. they're all crazy dramatic wastes of space. GOD i hate those chicks. they should be put away for a year. with just each other. in like a cement hole. done.
The closest thing to a guy's problem with his dick size is a girl's issues with their boob size. i've known LOTS of girls who were insecure - who i've had to talk off the friggin ledge about it. who, like, complained that when they lay down, their boobs were so small that they actually went totally flat with the rest of their body. i was like - what? what the fuck are you talking about? i mean - not in those words - but huh??

I'm not saying nice round big boobs aren't fun - they are - and i've had some fun with some boobs - but GUYS ARENT PICKY. we aren't picky like girls can be picky. we aren't judgmental and nasty about boobs like girls can be nasty and judgmental about dicks. we would never turn a girl down cause she wasn't "well-endowed" boob-wise. we sure as fuck wouldn't laugh or whatever. what's to laugh at? the fact that they weren't porn star enough to get a boob job? boob jobs are fun too - but they're pretty whack and i totally get a girl wouldn't want implants in their friggin chest the same way guys don't want injections in their dick. you know, if she's lacking there, maybe we pay more attention to her ass or her legs or whatever - but we don't hate. we don't judge. we just don't. cause we're guys. we take what we get. we don't send food back. medium-well, medium rare, who gives a fuck. it's a steak. steaks are all different. and we're gonna eat it no matter what.

unless its one of those real housewives bitches. except for that girl Bethany who's like totally bangin (oh my god, dude, i can't wait to run into that chick in the street here and be like - Yo, you're friggin hawt) - those girls can eat themselves. seriously. cement hole. with rats and moldy bread. done and done.

oh - hey - footnote: this comedy group from the city that i dig did this funny thing about guys acting like girls. there's chicks in the group too but they're not in this video. check it out. its good shit.