WTF, Wednesday Edition

WTF, new york. W-T-F.

Do we really have to live with these ads on every phone-friggin-booth and bus bench in the city?! i caught this one when i was walking my cuz around times square - cause of course she had to walk thru the busiest loudest most annoying part of the city on a sunday afternoon DURING THE MICHIGAN STATE GAME - ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!?! and of course when she saw this she had to stop to take a picture - cause word is they dont have guys bulging thru their briefs on bus benches in milville, nj.

Thanks for the self-esteem boost, 2xist dudes.

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Movin' on to something better:

OK, she's like a gift from god. IRON MAN 2 is now officially my favorite movie of 2010 - and no, i haven't seen it - and no, that doesn't matter. 

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New panty dropper: appreciating girly animals

This girl kelly on campus totally just asked me out cause i spent approx 30 seconds saying whats up to this little girly dog she was walking around. The dog runs up to me - and she apologies - and i'm like - Naw, it's cool, i love dogs and shit - he's cute - and she's friggin' adorable - and she just had this giant grin on her face. ri-dick-ulous. 30 seconds playing with a dog for an hour of playing with his owner - BAM. 

Start likin' dogs, fools.

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Next michigan state game's at 6PM on saturday. i will be drunk. tournament-style.

Tina Fey is Hot

Why i had to explain this to every guy on my team after our practice run this morning is friggin beyond me. "she wears glasses, BRO!" uhhh, she plays a nerdy woman on TV, idiots! it's called a costume!!

She's hot - she's a 9 - if you saw her at a bar, you would abso-friggin-lutely try to pick her up - and you wouldn't even close cause shed want nothing to do with you idiots - end of story. AND she looks like the nice girl type whos actually dirty. just sayin.

Condomania Relieves the Pressure, So To Speak

I've never bought anything off the Condomania website - you could say Angela's not too big in the "toys" department - no vibrating rings or gerbils or whatever they call those things - but i have no trouble buying this new research study they put up on their website. I guess when you run a condom company, one day you wake up and you think, "Hey, i'm gonna pull together a bunch of data on dicks and post it on my website." ta-da.

So for all the 2 guys maybe who are reading this blog from Wyoming - I guess you'd be Wyomingans? - you are totally and completely off the hook, i shit you not. NO need to blame your dad. NO need to blame your ancestors. NO, you didn't jerk it too much in middle school and NO, that's not why your dick is so small. Apparently its because you're from friggin' wyoming. go figure.

Condomania has this whole goddamn list, ranking all 50 states on average penis size for guys. how they got these numbers? good question. i guess there's a whole bunch of guys out there - uh, 27 thousand of them - who like to buy their condoms custom-made. and being a guy who has a dick and has a whole blog dedicated to my dick, this is news even to me.

i'm sorry - what? you need your condoms to fit you so perfectly that you called a 1-800 number and had them measure your dick width and length and girth and shit so they could make you personalized tight-fittin condoms? really?? do you they come with your picture on them??? christ! guys who love themselves that much might wanna stick with masturbation.

ANYWAY, they also did a top 20 "big" cities list - and new york city somehow managed to squeeze into the top 5 there - i have NO idea how. except - wait - these aren't random results. these are like volunteered results. these are the results from guys who offered to get their dicks measured for the sheer purpose of pleasuring themselves while they're pleasuring others. somehow i don't see guys with tiny dicks lining up on the street to do this - just a thought.

Boston is 15 out of 20 - and that makes sense - irish capital of the world - but the most awesome part of the study is that #20 out of 20 is - dum dum dum - DALLAS, texas. they say everything in texas is bigger. sounds like things are actually smaller than they appear.

Babe Sighting

...at the Richmond Ave RiteAid - toothbrush aisle.

Jeeeeesus.

And let me just use this post to share something i got off CNN dot com today - something that may be extra interesting to any ladies who may be reading this blog - for whatever reason - and that something is this:

"...testosterone drives the "Man Trance" - that glazed-eye look a man gets when he sees breasts. ... I wish I could say that men can stop themselves from entering this trance. But the truth is, they can't. Their visual brain circuits are always on the lookout for fertile mates." <---- uhh - yea - mateS - plural! 

And some more:

"Whether or not they intend to pursue a visual enticement, they have to check out the goods. To a man, this is the most natural response in the world, so he's dismayed by how betrayed his wife or girlfriend feels when she sees him eyeing another woman. Men look at attractive women the way we look at pretty butterflies. They catch the male brain's attention for a second, but then they flit out of his mind. Five minutes later, while we're still fuming, he's deciding whether he wants ribs or chicken for dinner. He asks us, "What's wrong?" We say, "Nothing." He shrugs and turns on the TV."

Damn straight - you can't fight science! Its like if we got mad every time you cried - or wanted to talk - or wanted to cuddle - or bought a friggin pair of shoes!!!!

I can't speak for the gay guys out there, but scientifically - since the earliest caveman days - men have done what they're supposed to do - eye women. And take it from this particular male that it ain't a choice - it really is innate. Mom says minutes after I was born, I had three of the nurses' numbers in the delivery room - bam! - a man is born. Mazel-friggin-tov.

So ladies - take a cue from C-N-N and listen up when your men say that they "wasn't looking at anything" - because believe it or not - that's our nice way of saying, Look, we're over it - girl's gone - Man Trance complete - moment's over - onward and upward. Back to you.

MWSP Meeting Review

OK - before Andrew bites my friggin head off - let me just clarify from my last post that he and Jess did leave halfway through the Penis Puppetry show - right around the time that Andrew started to question the size of his own dick. HA. eat me.

Alright, so I mentioned it before and I'll probly say it again that I go to this support group every wednesday for men with small penises (MWSP). And no, idiots, its not like fight club where everyone's effed up and crazy and we don't picture ourselves like penguins slidin down caves and shit. Its actually at this church - Saint Sebastians in brooklyn heights and - yea its a bitch gettin over there - but its totally worth it.

The usual crew was there last night plus - oh man - i guess this chick got her meetings messed up and she shows up thinkin its a group for women who are married to guys who have small dicks - and Stephen was like "Uhhhhh - clearly not!"

Father Kevin tried to convince her to stay - and I was totally up for it. But then i got really pissed off - i mean, like, think about it - that there's this underground meeting of these chicks who get together and bitch about their husbands dicks. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? i know theres a support group for friggin everything - specially in this city - but how friggin cruel is that! and what the hell do they talk about?

"Hi - i'm susie - and i still haven't got off yet."
"Hi - i'm jane - and i'm still treating my husband like crap."
"Hi - i'm mary - and i like to complain about THINGS I CANNOT CHANGE!!! so glad i came!!!"

We tried to talk about it after this chick left but Kevin keeps us on track and doesn't really let us go off like we want to. it's not really what the groups about, i guess. but the whole time i'm just thinking about angela and if she'd ever heard of that group ... thought about that group ... christ, maybe even been to that group. it made me sick just thinkin about it.

gotta go to MT. l8r.

Puppetry of the Penis

Put these guys in that long list of things you coulda sworn were gone forever but really won't die. Like that Blue Man Group thing, the Penis Puppetry phenomenon is apparently not going anywhere.

I heard about the show a while ago when my buddy Andrew's girlfriend dragged him to the show and he got totally freaked out because she wouldn't tell him what they were going to see and there he was thinking he was going to see some cheesy musical or something - but then he's suddenly thrust into this world of thrusting dicks with multiple personalities.

There's nothing homosexual about the fact that I went. I went for research. Cause guys should know that there are these dudes out there in the world who have these dicks that can bend forwards and backwards and jump rope and that these guys actually make money off of it. Like serious money.

Last crew to start doing it are these young guys - Chris and Rich - guys my age, it looks like, and one of them thanks his mom and his wife in his bio or whatever. I think my mom and Angela would gladly cut off my balls before I did something like that.

So out of the blue I read that they're still going at it or whatever - like they've got this full-on website - and they do tours - Rich and Chris are in Los Angeles - and they've got fans - and they're holding AUDITIONS! American Idol. With dicks. WTF?! It says all you have to do is send in a picture of yourself (not your dick, thank god for small favors) and tell them why you've got a dick that can transform before your eyes. At first I was like - Who would want to do something like that? Every night of the week? But then I thought about that old line - "If you can't beat em, join em" right??

So without talking to angela (or my mom) I decided I'm gonna send in my pic. And I've got this so far for my letter to them:

"Hey, my name is Rick, and as a guy with a small dick, I've always been more 'interested' in penises than the next straight guy. I thought maybe you'd be interested in having a "small guy" in your cast to change things up a bit. And a small guy too who isn't shy about being small.

I've seen the show, and I know some of the puppets you guys do - like the hamburger and the Eiffel tower and the Loch Ness Monster. I can't do any of those. I'm kinda new to the whole puppeting my penis thing. But i did skip my run this morning and spent an extra hour in the shower and worked out a few new ones -

• the terrified turtle
• the pig in a blanket
• the old man
• the snake resting on two small rocks

Anyway, hit me up at info@rickigotasmalldick.com (yea, its a real website) and let me know what you think.

l8r

rick"

Warren Jacques goes to Curtis Senior

Heard this morning that the Warren Jacques Award went to this kid Jon Annan at Curtis. My bud Randy got the award when we were at Wagner High four years ago, playing for the Falcons - I was so friggin pissed at first - but whatever - he's probly gonna go pro now so it totally makes sense.

But anyway, I saw this kid Annan play back in December and he's pretty good. Check him out.

Good Dick

My cinema studies roommate Jeff just got this movie off Netflix called Good Dick. Yea. "Good Dick." Swear to god it's not porn - but it's about a girl who's obsessed with porn or something - anyway I looked it up:

"Habitually isolated in her quiet apartment, a vulnerable girl (Marianna Palka) with a penchant for soft-core porn ventures out to a local video store, where she meets a store clerk (Jason Ritter) who vows to break down her emotional walls and win her affections. But as he pursues her in bizarre fashion, it's clear that their budding relationship will be anything but conventional."

Okay, just a couple things wrong here:

1. WTF? a movie called "Good Dick" is about a woman???
2. nowhere in the description does it talk about "dick" - unless of course this Marianna girl has a penis, which would absolutely make their relationship "anything but conventional" - and would probably make this a porno.

I rent a movie called Good Dick, and I'd probly expect a documentary about a guy going around, asking girls what they consider a "good dick." Size, naturally. Thickness. Color. Special skills.

(There's this guy on my b-ball team who says he can lift a five pound weight with it - which we all thought was complete and utter bullshit - but then - whatever - it wasn't.) Get the whole spectrum of opinions, you know.

I may have to make this movie - like a campus project. Extra credit. Then finally we'd know what girls really think about the size of their guys and not from some Cosmo quiz results but from their own mouths.

"Good Dick." A new documentary about dick - directed by Rick Baldwin - starring Rick Baldwin and 300 women.

Think CUNY would want to produce??