FUNK

You know that phrase - "scream it from the rooftops" - that phrase always ticked me off. think about it. like if you actually screamed something from the top of a roof, chances are nobody would friggin hear you. guess it depends on how tall the building is. my guess is you'd probly just get a bunch of people yelling back up at you - "huh?" "whadya say?" "hey, get off my friggin roof!"

But i guess i had that feeling the last couple days. like i needed to scream some shit. blow out my voice and get pissed. Mac says ive been in a total funk. I told him he's been a total a-hole.

I guess what's been bothering me is this whole feeling that, like, people have problems. everybody's got problems. and by nature of who we are - like, society dictates and shit - we hide them. or avoid them. sometimes it's not even on purpose. like a chick who's afraid of heights and just stays away from high places. done. like some dude with a stutter who just talks as little as possible.

whatever. bad example.

but this chick came into my physics class this morning - i won't say who, but - she was crazy late this morning and couldnt miss the class cause we had like this pre-final - and so she didnt have time to take a shower, change, put on make-up, whatever - and she looked like a TOTALLY different person. no friggin kidding. this banging italian chick lost her bang entirely. she looked like snooki from jersey bore. couldn't believe it. and just cause she's spent every morning pouring make-up on herself to make sure no one saw what she actually looked like. but thats the problem - right - that we cover ourselves up. make-up. baggy clothes. jock and gym shorts. whatever it is.

but sometimes I wish I could just get that part of my life out of the way. i wish people could just know that about me right off the bat - that I have a small dick - and then they could get over it and get to all the better parts of me. but it's like, with every person I meet, it's just a waiting game until the minute that we're in the locker room together. or the sauna or the beach or the shower or the pool or whatever. probly, between girls and friends and teammates and trackmates, i'd say 150 people have seen my dick. 10 or 15 probly had a really good look at it. only a couple know it, like, intimately.

so ... fucking great. that leaves like 7 billion people who haven't. 7 billion people. the weight of the world is like literally on my shoulders. 7 billion people who i wish i could get on a telecast and show my dick to. what a giant relief that would be.

You know like last year or whenever - when that partridge family danny bonaduce dude showed his dick? people were like, OMG - he's so small! - how could he do that??? easy. he could do it real easy. cause now that secret is over. that part of his life is out in the open. and now people can get past it. and anybody who has a problem with it can move the fuck on.

anyway, i'm bringing this discovery to the meeting tonight. right after i google staten island nudist colonies.

"A quality"

Angela's friend Holly was over last night - they were doing girly shit - making couscous - whatever that is. And Holly was talking about her social media professor (talk about a bullshit class, yo) who she wants to bang and talking about how she absolutely knows that he has a big dick. i had to chime in. i'm like,

"Holly - you're so friggin full of it - how the hell do you know he has a big dick."
"I can see it" - she says.
"That's the crease in his pants" - i say - "hate to disappoint you."
"It's like a quality" - she goes - "he just has a big dick quality. like you look at him and i'm like - that guy's got a big dick."

The only quality Holly should be worried about is the fact that she's a friggin freak. i'm worried about Angela hanging out with girls like that. She looks at guys and pictures big dicks. I don't think that means the guy has a big dick. i think she's got high expectations and that she's horny as hell. that's what i think.

If anyone can tell if a guy has a small dick its other guys. Like i've always known for damn sure that the baldwin brothers got small dicks. the whole friggin clan of em. Alec. Stephen. Daniel. The other one. All four of em got tiny cocks. We Baldwins stick together like that. And it's not friggin "quality." it's Irish blood, baby.

W4W and other goodies

Long time ago this guy emailed me on my got-a-small-dick account (info@rickigotasmalldick.com) - told me he was a big fan of the blog - kinda got a kinky gay vibe from him. Like he's totally reading my blog cause he gets to read about a guy talking about his dick. even if it is 2.2 friggin inches long.

Then I knew he was gay when he was like - "you would totally do well on the men seeking men section on craigslist. they got guys on there all the time looking for dudes with small dicks."

And turns out the guy wasnt friggin kidding. i assumed he was full of shit. but no - i went on there as soon as he sent me that email and saw shitloads of posts of guys looking for guys with 2, 3 inch dicks. they'd say things like "a dick i can handle" or "no black guys please - you guys are too big." it was like stumbling into this underworld - an underworld that was completely fucking useless to me cause its guys looking for guys - but still. hopeful. sorta. 

Anyway - these days when i'm bored out of my mind i go on craigslist and see if theres any girls looking for guys with small dicks. it's hard to find. sometimes. SOMEtimes. probably because girls are prudes. 

there's the 4 sections, you know - W4M, M4W, W4W and M4M. and i love to look at the first post in each section and compare it to the other sections. like for instance - i just went on there - like a minute ago - and pulled the very top post in each section. here's the breakdown:  

women seeking men
O Edward, Edward, wherefore art thou Edward? - 18 - pic


men seeking women
Gang Gang Dance tonight with pervy guy - 33 - pic


women seeking women
Now Lets Get NASTY <3 - 22 - (queens)


men seeking men
Wanna BANG A HOT ITALIAN ASS? - 44 - (downtown) pic

You gotta love that all of these are friggin horny ass people looking to get laid - EXCEPT for the women seeking men. Those poor friggin girls - looking for some secret twilight hunk somewhere out in the craigslist world - like their last friggin hope. its sad is what it is. and kinda sweet. but really sad.

Gotta love the lesbos tho. seriously.

here's mine by the way -

men seeking women

don't mind small dicks? don't mind if I do! - 22 - (staten island)

watch a Mets game OR beat your head against a friggin wall for 7 HOURS

Yea. 7 hours. How long it took the Mets to close last night against the stinkin Cardinals. And how long it took to confirm the fact that i hate the friggin Mets. 

The score was 0-0 for 18 innings -- uhh, yea -- holy shit. Both teams pulled a run out in the 19th. And then the Mets scored another in the 20th for the win. The only reason they did was cause the stupid friggin Cardinals decided to swap pitchers in the 18th and put in center fielder/third baseman/swingman/complete and utter waste of space Joe Mather -- who (by the way) hasn't pitched a ball game since sophomore year of high school. 

WOW.

And this is why i hate the friggin Mets. cause they can only pull ahead in the 20th when the opposing team brings out a high school pitcher. 

Oh -- and for those of you who are like -- Oh, but it was so exciting -- "What great pitching!" Are you fucking kidding me??? Great pitching from all 19 pitchers who got swapped in and out for 7 hours? 

No. No-no-no. Not good pitching. Crappy hitting. Across the board. 

IN OTHER NEWS

Check out this friggin ride:

Any guy with a car that small, with friggin racing stripes down the spoiler and in BRIGHT GREEN -- any guy with a car like that is totally comfortable with his sexuality. It's like the exact opposite of the hummer phenomenon. This guy's got a giant dick. Or a hot girlfriend who doesnt give a shit how big a dick he's got. cause he's got enough money to buy an $90,000 ride (starting cost, bitches).

good for you, dude. 

Why

This assclown jock that i see at the rec center all the time likes to rag on me about the blog -- heard about it thru someone i guess. I mean, i don't hide it or whatever, but i don't put signs up about it around campus for chrissake. my feeling is, if you need the help, you'll find it, you know.

But anyway this douchebag Jordan likes to give me shit. He thinks its like this total friggin joke. Like why would i waste the time doing this. ain't i got better things to do??

No, Jordan -- i guess i don't. 

First thing I ever wanted to do was write sports -- didn't want to be on tv -- never had the nerves for it -- but i wanted to cover every friggin game. i mean, shit, i watched all of them. i might as well write about them. i knew the players like they were my best buds. and i knew their histories, their strengths, their weaknesses. i could tell when they were having a bad day. its like a gift. 

But came to find out that i wouldn't be spending days with the guys if i went down that road. Some days, yeah. And like fundraisers and shit. But not on a daily basis. i wouldn't be in the middle of it. getting to know them personally. getting to know them as more than just numbers. that's when i made the switch to sports med. took me like a year to get there, but here i am -- and a lot friggin happier cause of it. life's funny that way i guess.

Better believe if i wasn't effin 5'7" i'd be down there on the court right beside em. if i could actually take a hit, i'd be on the rink, no questions asked. but i wasn't built that way. 

and i guess i wasn't made to do this, either -- wasn't born to be a famous sports writer. ah well. no worries. i hate fucking capitalization. 

Thank you, Maxim

So Alice Eve from She's Out of My League is the hottie on the Maxim cover this week -- uhhhhhh, yea -- she's totally out of all of our combined leagues. she's ridiculous. it took me like a week to get past the cover. 

OUCH.

Anyway, check this out -- maxim did this whole sex interview thing with women. and in one part they asked them to rate these man qualities from 1 to 5 -- 1 like not important and 5 like really important -- and GET THIS -- the majority said:

Penis size? 2  <--- out of 5! check that shit out (5.4% said not at all - i friggin love that 5.4%)
Stamina? 4  <--- easy
Kissing technique? 4  <--- easy
Sense of humor? 5  <--- yes! easy! (and 57.6% too!)


So i was on a high until they got the "how big is too big" question later and 35.2% of them said 9 inches. only 3.9% said 7 inches. 7 was the smallest option on the quiz, which is totally effed up.

come on, ladies. let's be honest. you don't need all those inches.

Another question i dug was the "what man sounds during intercourse are a major turnoff" question. 77.8% said crying. (HAHA -- stop crying when you're having intercourse, Mac -- it's a friggin turnoff). and sad to know that 84.8% of chicks don't have a "signature sex move." i honestly think everybody should have a signature sex move. mine is called the bench warmer.

(for another time)

Tiger

I'm gonna have to just say a word and stick up for my boy tiger here -- cause all this masters coverage is just irritating the shit outta me. these people are friggin relentless.

Coach comes out to practice this morning practically waving his friggin homespun mickelson flag, talking about how happy he is that tiger didnt win, that he needed to learn a lesson, that mickelson's a family guy -- he's like fighting cancer at home with his wife -- and look, i get it. and for fuck's sake, i'm not gonna say anything to coach cause the guys a friggin loose canon.

it just pisses me off that people get so high and mighty about stuff like this. tiger fucked up. plain and simple. and he'll probably fuck up again. because it's hard to stop and drop shit like that. cold turkey. he's just a guy. he happens to be a good friggin athlete. he happens to be a masters winner and a triple crown winner. but he's a dude. like me. like coach. he's not that special. i work with athletes all the friggin time. they are constantly fighting with identity issues -- cause 99% of the time they're just dudes coming off the court, off the field, sweating and dirty and broken and ugly and losers -- and the other 1% when they accomplish something crazy (like a triple crown) -- then they're friggin heroes. american legends.

fuck that. they're people. done.

And yea - Tiger's wife is like ridiculously hot. and Swedish.

but guys are also guys and the guys who travel nonstop are guys who tend to fall off the wagon and guys who are celebrities AND travel nonstop (see ATHLETES) are guys who fall off the wagon cause they have women throwing themselves at them nonstop. so yea - maybe he didn't "deserve" to win this one, coach, who the fuck knows - but maybe he lost too because he's outta practice. cause he needed 5 minutes to stop hittin balls and pull his friggin life together.

we've all got our demons. theyre ugly sons of bitches. but we live with them.

Yankees pull out another win

2-1 against the Sox. 2-1 against Tampa Bay. 4-2 record over these first six games. I'm friggin' thrilled.

Ruined Women

My buddy mark was complaining to me yesterday - we went to Legends on Victory to watch that totally depressing yankees/tampa bay game - yea, nice work guys - and anyway, Mark's got this new girl Marie. Mark and Marie. Marie and Mark. like they should have their own talk show for chrissake.

And Mark is talking nonstop about his "ruined woman." and me and mac and joey - we're like "uh, like she was molested as a kid?" "like she was burned in a fire or some shit?" and he's like - "no, idiots, her last boyfriend had this HUGE dick."

This is true. we all actually knew about it but we played dumb for mark's sake. like her last boyfriend -- whatever his name was -- we'll call him Giant Dick -- Giant Dick was stuffed. he wasn't even a show-off about it. i mean, he was kind of a prick, but not about that. still you could see it in his pants. baggy pants. jeans. didn't matter. the thing had a personality. a zip code. it was like the truman show - like the whole world potentially revolved around his cock. sit across from him on the bus -- you'll totally regret it. you'll just end up staring at this hefty bulge in his pants. without even meaning to. christ. 

so now Mark hooks up with Marie who's like a 9 and they meet up at the special collections section at the CSI library -- ancient greek language or some shit -- and she just stops. she's got this totally confused look on her face, like she just found a new friggin species -- and she's like, Are you kinda small???

she's doesn't TELL him he's small -- she friggin ASKS him IF he's small. mind-blowing. 

so turns out Marie's only been with Giant Dick. his is the only dick she's ever seen. for four years. poor girl. ruined for life. poor ruined marie. 

The BEST part - Mark pulls her back into it - Marie stops asking questions - eventually blows him - and then THANKS him. says - i quote - "it was just so much easier to handle." 

so i guess everybody wins. mark gets a blow job. marie's no longer ruined. and Giant Dick still has a giant dick. it's like a friggin fairy tale. 

The scariest thing i've seen this month

Wikipedia kills me - seriously, these guys cover everything - and today's discovery: an article on human penis size.

Warning: this shit's hella graphic. Like HELLA graphic.

There's pictures -- hard and soft -- charts and graphs and directions on how to measure your dick in every friggin way possible and studies and data and the HISTORY of dick size and a breakdown on how women get off based on the size of your dick. It's like the go-to article for anybody who ever wanted to know anything about guys and size and LifeStyle condoms Cancun experiment on circumference. WTF?!? How the fuck did i not find this sooner??

The highlight's the micropenis breakdown at the bottom - with the link to the micropenis page - YES, micropenises have their own friggin section in wikipedia.

"An adult penis with an erect length of less than 7 cm or just over 2 inches but otherwise formed normally is referred to in a medical context as having the micropenis condition. The condition affects 0.6% men."

0.6% of men?? That's like less than 1 guy for every 100. Christ. And I was totally feelin' pretty good about myself this week too - and then this shit. .6%. 

2 inches forward, 3 inches back.

Yankees Take Series, 2-1, Sox still suck

Yankees 1-1

The boys made it even last night, Yanks 6 - Sox 4, still on their territory. One more game tonight at Fenway -- let's hope we can keep up the momentum tonight.

And Hathaway's hot, too

The other week Kevin said i was clairvoyant - and i was like Oh - gee - thanks father - and i'm thinking it means ive got avoidance issues, you know, and in my head I'm like, How many friggin blogs about his dong does a guy need to keep to prove that he's not avoiding the problem, right?

Stupid me, turns out it means i can see things that other people can't. not like ESP and shit. like perspective. 

So this morning i tell the guys at MT that i forced myself to sit thru that devil wears prada movie cause Anne Hathaway is friggin hot, and again they give me shit for it! and the conversation pretty much goes like this:

me: Anne Hathaway is so friggin hot.

mac: no she's not. you're blind dude. what is it with you and nerdy chicks?

me: shut up, i'm clairvoyant. 

mac: shut up, you're gay.

that's pretty much the gist. 

But you know what - that's fine - i'm totally content to keep hathaway on my clairvoyant list of hotties - my very own list - so one day when me and mac are walking down the street and we see Anne Hathaway coming out of a movie shoot or whatever - I can walk up to her and be like, Hey, Anne, I think you're totally bangin and my friend Mac here doesn't think so - sooooo wanna get a drink? BAM. i'm havin a drink with anne hathaway, dumbass! suck on that. 

good, bad & ugly

GOOD

I had the bad and ugly parts of this post all ready to go - i had to hunt down something good to say. that's so friggin messed up.

And then i remembered - DUH - my middle bro James is getting married!! which is kinda crazy cause he's the brother that - when you like line us up together - or when people see us on a christmas card - they're like, James is totally getting married last.

He's been datin this girl Steph for like 6 months and out of the blue pops the question on Easter - didnt talk to my parents about it - didnt talk to her parents about it - just spur of the moment and shit. go jamers! balls to the friggin wall, dude.

Jamers is gonna kill me for writing this - but stephanie is like way to hot for him. like jessica simpson hot. like EONS too hot for him. it's like a peacock marrying a pigeon covered in its own shit. so if you ask me, it's not like jamers was just so in love that he HAD to ask her - its not like he was so friggin overcome with joy that he magically transformed into the marrying type - i think he just wanted to nail her down before she realized this gross friggin error she'd made. or before she got corrective lenses.

BAD

i cannot believe the Yankees friggin lost last night. my buddy Wes and I were at this bar by CSI and we were totally flirtin with this hot greek waitress - and she was a huge Yankee fan - and then out of NOWHERE the sox pull ahead. and its one of those Oh shit moments when you know all hope is completely lost - the boys just lost their steam - they got cocky or whatever - and they blew it. a 5-0 lead and then they lose it. 7-9. UGH. totally sets the wrong tone for the rest of the season.

UGLY

Wes was so friggin drunk-pissed after the game last night - he wanted to go to the porno shop down the street and get something to watch when he got home - something to cheer him up.

Being in there was a nightmare. it wasn't just videos - it was like a video shop that decided to expand and cater to all clientele or whatever the fuck. there were like 4 glass displays of dildos. huge friggin scary ass dildos. ribbed dildos. dildos with ticklers. frightening shit. and all of them a good 8 inches thick.

and no - it's not the first time i've said it - but this is WHYYYY women think guys are supposed to be ginormous.

my first real high school girlfriend - lindsey - and we never had sex but we dry humped like daily - anyway, she had this giant vibrator. it was a gift from her friend. it was a friggin birthday gift. HUGE. and this could very possibly be why i never had sex with her. b/c i was intimated by this ginormous fake cock in that shoebox in the closet. my competition.

what truly killed me was the pink girly tissue paper she used to wrap her giant pleasure rod. the kind of pink tissue paper you'd only attribute to a six-year-old girl. used to disguise a monster friggin vibrator. thats some twisted shit.

Diseased

So Joseph walks into the meeting last night with his panties in a twist - he's waving his precious New York Times around - it's all rolled up and wrinkled like he's been carrying it around all day, showing it to every john and jane and dick clark he sees on the street. And what's it say? That there's a disease you can have cause you feel shitty about yourself. That its - like - clinical. 4 out of 5 doctors and shit.

Enter Joseph's effed up psyche.

I swear, some people are born with this skill - to get kooky about every little thing. Other people have this totally unique talent where they can put themself down about every little thing. Joseph is like that 1 in a million person who has both. and thats what makes joseph both a riot and a giant pain in the ass.

Anyway i tried to find this article online this mornin and i couldnt. Joseph probly gets the total downer version of the times special-made for him. it's three words with a lot of syllables. ends in -osis.

Long story short, it's not just how you think. it's not just about changing your way of thinking. you may very well have this CONDITION (joseph kept shouting CONDITION last night like he was gonna win a prize CONDITION) - so anyway we may very well have this - uh - CONDITION where you might wanna kill yourself cause you don't feel so hot about yourself. weight. looks. relationships. cock size. whatever your thing might be.

But you know what - and this is what i told joseph at our meeting last night to no friggin avail - there are 2 ways to look at this - like there are 2 ways to look at everything.

Joseph's sucky way to look at it: "oh, great, now i'm diseased. it's official."

My infinitely better way to look at it: "1. guys like us aren't alone - there are hundreds of thousands of people who feel like they're not good enough. 2. so we're in good company. 3. it's friggin legit, feeling like shit. 4. my bro wasn't just some nutjob who tried to stuff too many pills down his throat - he's got a CONDITION. it's his CONDITION that drove him to do that. and he got help for it. strike that. he's getting help for it. 5. some girls totally get off on the fact that you have a CONDITION. you know. the bleeding heart girls. the sympathy babes. the motherly types.

if my CONDITION was a chick, i'd totally make out with her right now.